You Don't Need Nipples

"I took an X Acto blade and sliced off the tips of my nipples."

- Dr. Martin J. Care 

I feel that I can be honest with all of you.  I trust you to accept what I am saying and pass no judgement.  Furthermore, I believe you can believe in me.

My studies have shown that there was a small colony of sentient, micro-beings living on the tips of my nipples.  No - these micro-beings were not of our immediate space-time fabric.  Yes - these micro-beings had advanced technology that they were using to interfere with my life.  My theory is that these creatures had been watching me for quite some time - cataloguing my movements using a variety of pulse meters and Upsilon rays.

How did I find these creatures?  It happened all at once - I was working in my lab, trying to crossbred a tomato plant with a Scottish Terrier - when I looked down at my shirt.  It was wet.  I unbuttoned and looked at myself in the mirror.  I was lactating.  But this wasn't normal looking breast milk, this was a dark gray gel.  I smelled and tasted this paste and determined that there was something seriously wrong.  I looked at the sample underneath my ion microscope.  And there is was - buildings and roadways and restaurants and parks and schools...and micro-beings.  These beings looked odd - like turtles without shells.  I looked one of them right in the eye - and it smirked.

The next word that came to mind - parasite.  What sort of damage was this doing to me?  I didn't know - so I took action.  I grabbed my, recently sharpened, X Acto knife and with two deft flicks of the wrist I was nipple-less.  But more accurately, I was parasite-less.  And guess what?  My life is the exact same with or without nipples!