Emails - 12/17

I am so sick and tired of humans nowadays.  That’s why I am so glad that I decide to rip up my social security card and identify as an animal — specifically a cat.  I get to eat tuna all day and lick milk from a bowl.  And no one can say that I am wrong or different - because that is typical behavior for a cat.

Gloria C

My father taught me that it is more important to sound correct in a debate than actually being correct in a debate.  He called it the “song of persuasion.”  For example, he used to say that if I ever disagree with someone that I should start crying, slap myself in the face, and claim that they are hurting my feelings.  It totally works because I have never lost an argument.

Morgan K

Have you ever noticed that most animals typically associated with farms and farming, are supposedly really smart?  I don’t believe it.  I know I am smarter than any cow, pig, or chicken.  I can read!  I can drive!  I can use my fingers and my toes to count!  I’d like to see a sheep try and do that!

Jeff A

I keep my house’s thermostat set at 65 degrees during the winter.  If you think that I am going to pay heavily inflated prices for natural gas and oil, think again.  If it ever gets too cold, I just run my car in the garage for a while.  Warms our basement up right away.

Dan O