The Comfortable Mattress Side - with Parker Trussel

Recorded/Transcribed: 10/4/2009 - WTTT's United Public Radio

This is United Public Radio.  Consistently unique.

Now its time to jump back into bed and pull the covers up over your head.  Its "The Comfortable Mattress Side" with Parker Trussel.

Good evening everyone.  As we start with every show, I have to ask- "Are you comfortable with your mattress side?"  Its a difficult question, I know.  But it is something that you really need to consider.  After all, 1/3 of your life is spent sleeping- and if you are like me, nearly 9/10ths of my life is spent sleeping- shouldn't we be comfortable?  Don't we deserve that?  You need to be comfortable with your mattress side.  You know I am.  I am very comfortable with my mattress side.  It is something that I pride myself on.  I spent nearly $9,000 on my mattress.  I spent nearly $2,000 on my down comforter and and sheets.  A lot of my time I spend awake, about 3 hours a day, is spent thinking about how I can be more comfortable in bed.  I have a specific insurance policy set up for my bedroom that my insurance agent said was completely unnecessary- but I wanted to make sure I would be covered in case of hurricanes, flooding, volcanoes, or meteoroids.  I even have a stipulation in my bedroom insurance policy that covers me in the event that we are living in a matrix-like universe and there is a time rift that obliterates our space-time continuum.

Do you flip your mattress?  I don't.  I just buy a new one as soon as I start to feel even the slightest amount of disturbance or indention.  You should do the same.  Remember, this is your body that we are talking about.  Your lively hood.  Don't just flip it over and try to adjust.  That breeds bad posture.  Sore backs.  Stiff necks.  Allergies.  Broken bones.  Membrane intolerance.  Think of it like this.  You wouldn't invert your couch or recliner and call it "good enough."  Then why would you do something so drastic to something that you actually need?

Speaking of sofas and other types of furniture....what is the point?  I just have my mattress and smaller, specially designed mattresses, in my mattress rooms.  The mattress is the most comfortable piece of furniture that anyone could possibly own.  And remember, humans ultimate goal in life is to be comfortable and asleep 100% of the time.  That is why I have replaced nearly all of my previously-owned furniture with mattresses.  Couches, chairs, tables, desks, counters, cutting boards, and ottomans.  All of them gone and replaced with the much more comfortable mattress option.  I would highly, highly, highly recommend you do the same.

You would be amazed at how different you look and feel and act when you are well rested.  It is completely night and day.  I used to be stressed about daily events.  I used to get caught up in the hassle of the daily grind.  I used to care about so many different things like world events, and voting, and proper oral hygiene.  But then I stopped, I looked in my mirror and said, "I want to be more comfortable."  And then I went to sleep.  And I slept and slept and slept and slept for what seemed like a year.  And when I awoke a few hours later, I realized what I needed to do.  I just needed to sleep more.  And look at me know.  People actually think I am about 15 years younger than what I actually am.  And I have Progeria! That is the miracle of a good night sleep and a great, comfortable mattress.

Lets take some calls from listeners, like you, and see how a comfortable mattress can solve their problems.

Kevin from Salt Lake City- how can we increase your comfort level?

Kevin- Hello Parker.  I am a modern artist and work primarily in mattress and pillows.  I rip them open to expose their inner coils or memory foam as a metaphor for today's political climate- especially in regards to our foreign diplomacy in New Zealand.  Do you have any old mattresses I can have to use in my upcoming piece entitled, "Spring Cleaning"

Kevin- I am nothing less than disturbed at that request.  I would never subjugate ANY of my mattresses or mattress pads to that sort of destruction.  Mattresses are meant for comfort and peace.  Not disfigurement and abuse.  How dare you!  HOW DARE YOU!  Have you even considered the fact that after just 3 days of use, (which is about how long my mattresses last before I get a new one,) there is enough of your skin cells and skin oils absorbed into the mattress that could create a small child?  And now you are destroying the mattress for your own sick artwork?  And no...you cannot have my old mattresses either because I cremate them and keep the ashes in urns.  Remember that small, skin cell/skin oil child?  That is me!  I am not throwing myself away!

Laurie from Detroit- please tell me you are more sane then our previous caller.

Laurie- Parker- my mattress is really old.  How can I get rid of the bumps and lumps?

Laurie, please get a new mattress.  Please.  Do it for me.  Do it for you.  Do it for the more comfortable, younger looking, younger sounding, you.  I know there are some great tricks to remove mattress lumps, but I am not going to tell you them. Just get a new mattresses.  And please send me your old one.  I will cremate it here and keep your ashes safe.

Well...that is all the energy I can muster for today's show.  Stop back in tomorrow where we will take more calls and talk about the benefits of triple stacking your mattresses for extra comfort.  I'm Parker Trussel saying, "Sleep is a very, very good thing."