9/8/09: Alien Nation - with Carter Rockwell

Recorded/Transcribed: 9/8/2009 - WTTT's United Public Radio

This is United Public Radio.  New words.  Newer meaning.

And now its time to talk with our favorite conspiracy theorist and learn things like how we are all being implanted with invisible RFT chips- its Alien Nation with Carter Rockwell.

The sky has opened up and the mother-ship Zenuth has started literally sucking people up into the ionosphere.  Hi, this is Carter Rockwell and I am reporting live from an undisclosed, highly secretive, dark-government-funded, underground bunker.  Folks, we are in the midst of the alien reaping that I have been talking about and warning you about for years and years and years.  So long in fact, I am sure a lot of you thought I was just crying wolf.  But let me tell you this--if you bet on red long enough, EVENTUALLY it will land on red.  You just have to keep betting.  And now it is happening.  Thank God!

First thing is first, we need to go through some of our rations that we have been storing.  We have some canned lettuce, canned beetroot, canned beans.  That will make some great lettuce, beetroot, and bean mixture for consumption.  You need to stay healthy during the apocalypse, or the alien over watchers may not want to choose you for the harvest.  I also got some flares, laser pointers, and some weather balloons.  These will work great for getting the spaceship's attention and direct them to my location.  Finally, and you are not going to be able to see this, but I have already prepared my body, both physically and mentally, for an eventual probing.  I am ready to be taken away.

Here is something that I am sure a lot of people will disagree with....but, you cannot take your family and friends with you.  Listeners....its obvious.  In the same way that a smart farmer burns his excess crops in the event of an surplus--as a way to benefit from governmental subsidies....the alien beings are going to either discard, or even worse, not abduct all humans.  They only want the brightest and the best and the most flexible among us....so I am sorry hypothetical wife....I am sorry hypothetical kids....but you are not worthy....but I am worthy....and I will get to be taken into the sky and probed by our beautiful alien friends--not you.

You are asking, what am I going to take with me, once I am abducted....well, that is a great question that I am asking for you---to me....and let me answer myself--I am taking nothing.  Our most prized possessions are literal crap compared to what awaits us in the mother-ship Zenuth.  Our human versions of pictures and music and movies are nothing compared to what our alien over watchers have.  To bring anything with you, would be a slap to their alien face/feeling tendrils.  We MUST strip ourselves of our earthly possessions, like clothing and hair, and be ready to be born again in the ship.

Now, as I wave my flashlight to the sky, signaling for a ride to my new home, lets take some callers.  Jeffrey from Nashville, make it quick, because as soon as I feel lighter, I am throwing my phone to the ground.

Jeffrey- Wow Carter, you are so brave.  If I saw another alien ship, like the one that forced my dad to drink moonshine all day, I would shoot it with my .22 and wave the American flag in its face.  It aint taking me- nowhere!

Jeffrey, I AM brave....but lets get something straight - the aliens wouldn't want you....unless of course, they wanted to study the physical traits of inbreeding and FAS.  Also, you wouldn't be able to ward off Zenuth with a .22...It would take a highly developed laser beam of pure plasma and star energy to even come close to damaging its exoskeleton.  Nice try.

Kevin from Salt Lake City, the ship draws close- please have your thoughts and words enter my ears now, before it is too late.

Kevin- Carter, I have been in the Zenuth mother-ship and it is awesome.  But eventually, they got tired of me and placed me in jail.  They then brainwashed all of the lawyers and judges and prosecutors to think that I was involved with insider trading.  Get me out of here and back into Zenuth!

Kevin, it is not too late, please use some sort of light beam to signal from your cell.  If you do not have a light, try using some sort of reflective surface.  If the aliens deem you worthy, and can see you, you will join me in Zenuth and we can be probed together, as one.

This is it my friends, I am being sucked into the mother-ship. I must cease broadcasting immediately and prepare my being for rebirth...