"Jon Taffer"

"Jon Taffer" is looking less and less human and more and more like a crude, melting wax carving of a human bust.

The longer you look at "Jon Taffer" the odder and odder he looks.  It is similar to starring at an optical illusion - your brain simply cannot process what you are seeing.

 "Jon Taffer" does not blink.  He either has his eyes wide open or so squinted that it looks like they are shut.

 "Jon Taffer" is living proof that we evolved from primates.

"Jon Taffer's" best defense is his unnaturally rubbery exterior.

 "Jon Taffer" has a PhD in butt-funneling.

 "Jon Taffer's" skin looks extremely tired - as if you continually stretched and relaxed a piece of canvas.

Instead of combing his hair, "Jon Taffer's" handlers paint his hair on every morning.

 "Jon Taffer" looks both over-inflated and under inflated.

 "Jon Taffer" doesn't accept excuses, he accepts solutions.  The excuse - looking human.  The solution - wearing a steady rotation of three different sports blazers.

When looking at "Jon Taffer" one of two things happen: you are either disgusted or you develop a sense of empathy - wondering how God created such a creature.

One cannot differentiate between "Jon Taffer's" cheeks and neck.

"Jon Taffer" has been in the bar business for nearly 37 years.  His lips, gums, and skin have been in the bar business for nearly 83 years.

 "Jon Taffer" is the result of crossbreeding humans who have developmental delays with turtles that have developmental delays.

"Jon Taffer's" skin is like a piece of rough, untreated lumber.  If you rub your finger against it the wrong way, you are likely to receive some sort of flesh-splinter.

Neither "Jon Taffer's" hair color nor his eyebrow color are natural - not just for Jon, but for nature in general.

"Jon Taffer's" handlers glue his eyebrows on every morning exactly 5 inches above his eyes.

 "Jon Taffer" has the distinct smell of Brute mixed with a natural gas leak.

"Jon Taffer" looks like he is wearing a rubber mask of his own face.

If "Jon Taffer" needed to choose between helping a failing bar owner and wiping after defecating, he would not only choose to assist the bar owner, but he would actively stay away from toilet paper.

 "Jon Taffer" looks like a sea monster dressed in a human costume.

 "Jon Taffer's" handlers typically use at least three bottles of car wax for his daily skull polishing sessions.

 "Thumb Taffer"

It is a test of endurance to see how long one can look at "Jon Taffer's" scaly, pockmarked skin.